As the school year winds down, my mind turns to a more contemplative state, of times gone past.
The natural tendency at this time of graduations and promotions seems to indulge in some fond memories as the teachers grow more lax and there finally emerges the hopes of free time.
Reminiscing about the past has the ability to bring many tears of joy to your eyes, as the memories of success and bliss can be quite powerful. But, just as importantly, one must remember the mistakes, the hardships, the blunders and stupidity of times past.
I have not lived up to my goals, and I am disappointed.
One clarification: I do mean my goals, not the goals of my parents, not the goals of my friends, not the goals of my teachers. Each and every person has different dreams, their “green light” or “horizon” if you will. Even if you look at the same thing, and come to the same conclusion, the mere motivation for actions are enough to speedster our desires. That is what makes us unique, our ability to follow and imagine and pursue to our heart’s desire.
This year had felt like a letdown, not because I did badly, but because I didn’t end up doing what I wanted to do. I felt so constrained, oddly enough, by myself. It felt like my reputation was getting ahead of me, and in order to preserve my self, I had to maintain that image. Even if it meant not being able to discover my true self.
Putting on a face is tiring, but even worse is realizing while sitting with my music at night, that I had forgotten how to change. I was so unsure of who I was, and had no idea of who I would be.
That lack of a sense of direction wreaks havoc with your motivational state. Instead of doing things because you feel compelled to, you begin doing things with the thought in your head of, oh how will this action influence this? or that? and that shouldn’t be how we think.
This led to a growing disillusion with what I was doing, and a marked increase in procrastination. But I began by saying that when remembering, we must remember the good times and the bad, not focusing on one too much over the other.
Sure, every cloud has a silver lining, and every action has the potential to make someone, somewhere happy. Through this year, I started writing more analytically, and I suppose some part of my shell has started molting. I’ve started letting myself take some risks, some smart and some not so smart. I’ve become opened to new worlds built from imaginations, witnessed great fandoms, and found the feels I’ve never know I had.
I’ve discovered an unknown capability to get angry, and passionate, about issues past science and the beauty of math, but also in the injustice of the world, particularly in school. I’ve been able to pour my soul into a couple of physics projects, and been able to believe in something with all my heart for the first time in a long time. I’ve been able to see from different perspectives, to become a confident and a conspirer, a nomad and a leader.
And all of these are merely guidelines for the future.
See, because it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past, what truly matters is how you’ll change in the future. How you’ll take those flaws, those emotions, those setbacks and turn them into something better. How you’ll be able to capsize on what you’ve done well and change what you have regretted.
There is no end. There never really is, even at the customary places where we claim there are. Not at graduation, not at marriage, not at 50 years old, not even really at your death. Because even in your death, you still leave behind in the wold a generation of people whom you have somehow touched.
There is no end. There are only new beginnings.