Regret

So many emotions, overwhelming our senses
but never lasting for long
like a wave tossed through the ocean
our brain flitters and flutters
never staying long enough
in one spot.

But as we sway
to the rhythm of that ocean
a rare cloud sweeps over
that deep blue sky.

The shadow of doubt
lingers unlike any other
for though the waves come and go
changing with the moons and tides,
regret stays and sink through my soul
staining it black beyond belief.

Oh what I would have changed!
What I would have said and done!
But alas, Father Time is too cruel
and our time is
cut

So with no island on the horizon
I must sail on, sail through
with nothing but myself to blame.

——
I wish I talked to you more, waigong and waipo, while you were here. I mis you so so so much, and I just want to see you still, to hear your murmur of shanghainese. Old age is not kind, and your sudden return was not easy. NOw all I can do is comfort and be comforted by the passage of time.

I miss you.

Physics Pasta Party

[SO, sorry for not posting the promised Saturday Book Review. I’ve actually finished quite a couple a books and was going to write, but then… things got in the way. I’ll write it up by Monday!]

Okay, so first things first: today was a really awesome day, in all the ways that you would expect and in so many ways that you wouldn’t have. Like the last couple times that this happened, I’ll go through the day in chronological order, with several brief interruptions in between.

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Score Shaming

Today is the last day for early AP score access, as well as the first day that the west coast, where I live, will be able to see those scores. Also, the IB scores were also released today, for my fellow International Baccalaureates.  Judging by the messages and reactions I’ve been getting from friends all week, I think that this post is quite obligatory for all you high school students out there.

Ever since Friday, I’ve been seeing posts about students using proxies to get access to their scores just a little bit earlier, or trying to find some way to see those numbers. People have been messaging me in a frenzy, trying to figure out why their browser was crashing or why they couldn’t find the proper identification codes. And you know what all of this means?

It means that we are placing way too much of our dreams and hopes upon the college board.

The Advanced Placement program, that which seems to dominate our lives.

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Feelings Jam

When I started this blog, I honestly didn’t expect to degrade into a ton of feelings jam like this.

FeelingJam

Omnomnom

But  I guess that kind of thing happens every now and then.

So if you would look downwards, you would find quite the influx of emotional works, most of them actually about emotions. I suppose I should explain myself a bit. And plus, summer did start a while back, and all I’ve done is cryptically post random poems.

So what has been going on with me?

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Apathy

“So, what do you want to eat tonight?”

“I don’t know, I can go anywhere. Where do you want to go?”

“You know me, I’m up for any kind of food. I’m not even that hungry. Let’s just choose somewhere and eat.”

“Yeah, let’s just go. Just choose something, anything. I don’t even care at all.”

“It’s too hard to choose. Why don’t we just head over to the drive-thru or something and be done with this.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

This conversation isn’t just the premise for Weird Al’s hilarious parody, Trapped in the Drive Through, but it’s also the current sad state of our youth.

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Long Way Home

Seeing your home so close in front of you puts you in a panic.

It has been years, no, decades, since you’ve last been so close to home. So close to the embrace of your parents, so close to the familiar smell of rice cooking in the pot and the sweet stench of rice wine fermenting.

Walking up to the final bus stop, a spur of the moment decision puts you on the looping sightseeing bus, not the direct business route home. 6am in the morning leaves this bus eerily empty, even as the Microsoft employees grudgingly pile onto the other bus.

“Ha, suckers” you think to yourself. this route was twice as long but half as cheap, because compared to today’s motto of “time is money”, these rat racers can’t lose a single moment of their precious, money-making time.

You’ve had your share of that. You’ve had your share of greed and misanthropy, of jealousy and lust. So many long years were spent wandering out in those cold nights, hoping for change, change that would give your autistic daughter a better life in the future, change that your friends could accept your philanthropy, that they wouldn’t laugh when you had your educational startup in Africa.

But now wasn’t the time for that. Challenges were past, now was the time to finally get back to home.

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The End

As the school year winds down, my mind turns to a more contemplative state, of times gone past.

The natural tendency at this time of graduations and promotions seems to indulge in some fond memories as the teachers grow more lax and there finally emerges the hopes of free time.

Reminiscing about the past has the ability to bring many tears of joy to your eyes, as the memories of success and bliss can be quite powerful. But, just as importantly, one must remember the mistakes, the hardships, the blunders and stupidity of times past.

I have not lived up to my goals, and I am disappointed.

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To Be an Activist

You don’t get up one morning and just think, man, how great it would be to protest for something!

You don’t just think, oh I would love to give all this that I have in order to pursue a thankless cause.

You don’t consider in the middle of the night, wouldn’t it just be great if I became hated by those around me in order to do what I believe is right.

Becoming an activist is tough.

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